Got a nice surprise today. Ms Padma from Safeskin, Ipoh called re my application. Interview's set for next Wednesday. I'm so excited! And nervous too. Guess this is one of those times where I'd put 100% trust in Father's infinite wisdom on whether to stay or move on. He'll guide me 2 whatever I'm meant 2 do. I just gotta give my all at whatever I do & if it's meant 2b, it'll be
HooiSeen and the Log Div gang celebrated Kelt's birthday today. When I asked him out for lunch ,the dear lad was stuttering to explain that he already have a lunch appointment. I wondered if he managed 2 guess at my hand behind it. In the evening, HooiSeen (deliberately mispelled) said they all went to Chicken Valley, BM. So when I mentioned about Sat's plans, she advised 2b careful as he is painfully shy. For such an outgoing person
CONTRADICTIONS. I guess everyone's full of them. I know I am. My outward veneer and the inner child is so much vastly different. No different for Kelt as well
He replied my broadcast today after I sent him one in Mandarin. Now that really surprised him! Anyway, I asked him 2 keep mum on this
Friday, March 6, 1998
Thursday, March 5, 1998
The "Date"
"The art of being wealthy lies not in being miserly nor in over-zealous savings but rather in the generation of $$$ itself"
[This is typed on 12.02.2013 based on an old handwritten diary]
At last! At long, long, loooooooong last! My first real date ... hah! If you can call it that! And at the ripe old age of 25 too! Okay. Seriously, I have gone on many of these one-to-one social outings before, be it with a girl or a boy. However, it is very rare that I actually miss and pine for someone
My first would have to be Swee Yeeeeen (deliberately spelt wrongly). I viewed her as more of a friend and trusted confidante and always thought our friendship can maintain its closeness for a long time to come but alas! this was not meant to be. It has been years since I last heard from her
The real lady that I longed and pined for has got to be Mei Ching. This is the right spelling because our time together was brief and I doubt if she remembers me. Hahaha! A nicer, sweeter, more patient girl I could not have found. There was something in her smile that seemed to make everything all right. Again, distance was our main obstacle. After exchanging only one letter, everything became silent. I did call her twice when I was in Singapore in 1997 but she never returned any of my calls wherein I left messages for her. Should I still pursue her? Honestly, I don't know and most probably not ... but that is another story for another time.
This is about the "date"
So what am I babblin about? The Kelt. Yes. It is a he. He is a he. In every sense of the word. So, am I gay? Honestly? I don't think so. Or should that be I don't know? Okay. I'll admit that I was confused about my feelings when I was much younger (like 12 or 13?). Then I came to realize that hero worship and admiration of certain qualities/ characteristics/ physical attributes of other men do not a gay person make. It's like women. They are always going on and on about what other women look like. Even the cover of women's mag are other beautiful women. So while I adore youthful faces and physiques and I have this thing for watching bash-them-up movies, I know now that I am not into that sort of gay culture or sadism. How you ask? 'cos the thought of gay sex though initially intriguing ultimately GROSSES me out! I am not kidding. I tried to visualize beyond the uniforms and underwear and it was a major UGH moment. And as for sadism, it's just plain HORRID!
So I have finally drawn the line between fantasy and reality
At age 25, I have finally decided on the road I wanna take.
The straight and narrow. Thank you very much.
The other day I was talking to YTL about going to Hatyai & the first thing that sprang to his lips was "call girls" and "pot". Me? Excuse me? Doing that? SO-O-O-RRY!!! Not for me. Oh no, sir! Now, I don't necessarily frown on the ladies or their customers. It's just that it's not me, okay? It was cool with him, thank goodness, that I was surprisingly conservative when it comes to sex before marriage
Okay. That was another sidetrack. Yes, I am aware
Let's get back to the Kelt. A while back, I handed him Shang's latest promo leaflet. Asked him to choose what he liked & he mentioned Wednesday's theme. He was taken aback when I told him we'll do that for his birthday. I guess he never expected anything or probably never knew I knew about his birthday. To cut a long story short, on that day, I sent him a braodcast for a break at 5:30pm (04.03.1998). After my usual dilly-dallying, I found him waiting for me at the lobby. He was nervous and maybe a little uncomfortable about the whole event. That much was obvious. Wonder if it weighed heavily on his mind. That's something I won't (likely) know. Still, when I confirmed the date with him yesterday, he asked how many others were going. I gave him the straight and skinny. No one else. Of course I explained I did sent an email but without mentioning his birthday and the rest of the Pg gang stated that they preferred more exotic fare. Still, Kelt was game enough to go with me. One of two things came to mind:
1. He prefers crwods cos he has doubts about me & mine; or
2. He prefers less people so he won't be so uncomfy
Was he really nervous? Yeah! He said he was on bike though he actually drove to work that day. (Heh!) He did ask for my handphone number in case we got separated by the traffic. Me & my blockheadedness! I couldn't remember. DUNCE!!! Sure as expected, we lost each other along Pg Sports Club! I went on to Western Road while he turned down Ayer Rajah. Thank goodness he gave me his h/p number
BTW he does have a house tel no. He originally told everyone NO, reason being the location of his house. A couple of days back, he was struggling whether to tell me or not. I tactfully decided to let the matter slip. Trust will come with time and only if it was meant to be, right? Wow! Do I sound mature?!?! Hehehe!
Anyway we both piled into my car and headed for apartment 3-11. He thought the place was cool but not high enough as it is only 4 stories car park and 3rd story apartment on top of the car park. We showered and changed and he wanted to borrow a comb. From me! I told him I normally use hands. Boy was he surprised ... but he followed suit
As it was still early, we lounged about talking about his holidays and mine. We thumbed through some of the UK magazines and my photo frames. Then after some idle chit-chat, wedecided to make way for Disc n Dat, a CD shop near Tanjung area. He said that BM's much cheaper (obviously!)
Pretending macam I takdengar, I asked him to choose any one to his liking. He was hesitant ... even when I told him it was a birthday present. After some cajoling, he finally chose "And the band played on" from Titanic's 2nd soundtrack. Now if that wasn't a reveal in his taste and sensitivity, what is, right? Imagine, choosing that in front of another guy, a weepy soundtrack. Is that gay or what? He wanted to pay himself! Of course I was insistent that it's me belanjaing him. Guess this proves he's either shy or nervous or both. Perhaps, eh?
We finally made it 2 Shang. Food was so-so 2 me. The conversation's better and once again, the theory of one's company is what really makes an outing so much more enjoyable is proven true. Kelt had 2 rounds of the main b4 tackling a bit of dessert. Guess he didn't care much for the more exotic stuff. Kelt specifically stressed NO to sushi! He's a real traditional when it comes to food. Guess that's why he prefers kopitiam to places like Mc and KFC
We talked heaps. He stutters quite a bit but that didn't stop him from expressing himself which was good. Otherwise, we'll end up with me dominating everything ... me and my inflated ego! We talked about so many things. He comes from a family of seven - 5 boys and parents and he is number 4. He still shares a room with an elder brother. He lives in a village in Batu Kawan all his life (supposedly a squatters' area?!?!?!). We also went back to our younger days, schooling (he used to take a boat trip to school each day), childhood joys & dreams. Gotta admit he was a bit uncomfy at first but with a born conversatioonalist like me, we skipped merrily from topic 2 topic like frogs leapfrogging from lilypad 2 lilypad. Most people these days aren't used 2 direct, open talk. I noticed that a lot. My questions are very personal (KPC?). Some may not like it but Kelt took it all in his stride.
I was quite impressed & surprised by him though. He wasn't what I expected at all. He has such an innocence within him despite an outward appearance of youthful know-ot-all. Must not corrupt him. The two things that really caught me by surprise were:-
(a). The goodness in his heart - he's straightforward though that smile of his can be misinterpreted. He's also humble, easy going and helpful. Hardly ever losses his temper. Now that is something I aspire to. He's one up on me on that score, eh?
(b). His dreams - he believed with all his heart that one shouldn't ever need 2b at the summit of the food chain 2b contented. For now, he would be satisfied with reaching a level in his career that affords him the basics: house, car, meals, weekend good times and the occassional holidays. Of course, me being me, I cucuk him a wee bit. So he admitted that if riches were offered his way, he'd ini all honesty consider it but he won't go out of his way to chase after them though. Now you know why I am impressed with him! It's admirable in someone so young to have such ideals, such wisdom!
At the end of the evening, I gotta say I had a most enjoyable, quiet-comfy-kinda dinner outing. It wasn't as bad as I had feared. 2 of us, from different worlds, sitting down, eating & talking together. This is the kind of evening I liked best. I sincerely hoped he had a good time too. Or at the very least wasn't bored out of his brains! Still, as the evening progressed, he opened up more & more. It'd be strange then if he were terribly bored. Anyway, we lasted a full 5 hours together. Not too bad, huh? We finally had to break it up cos tomorrow's still a working day
Speaking of work, Kelt did mention that the restructuring had created a much more "livelier" interaction amongst the staff. He was being a wee bit cautious. Heh! I'm a regular firebrand. So of course I had 2 throw in my 2 cents' worth. I quickly mentioned that one good thing did come out of the whole exercise. We now have an opportunity 2b friends. You'd see his face then! He was like, I don't know, surprised? Shy? There was that sheepish kinda smile plastered all over his face once more. Still, he agreed that we could socialize a bit more now than back then. It won't look like favoritism on my part or bodek-king on his end since we are not in the same section any more. Yes! YES!! Y-E-S!!!
Is that gay on me or what? Hehehe!
Finally, we drove back 2 where he parked his car. Just as he was collecting his bag from the back seat, he managed to squeak out an uncomfy "Thanks!" Well, alllllright! That was so cute of him! Trying 2b more than his traditional self. He's observant, I'll grant him that much. He tries to adapt to each situation.
Okay. Now onto the self-analysis part. Do I feel even a tinge of guilt for having such a pleasurable evening with Kelt? I was going to but not anymore. Nope! No way!! I invited him 2 celebrate his 22nd birthday. Friend 2 friend. Or at least with the intention of being more friends than colleagues. Deep down, that's all I wanted. Nothing more. Friendship. Lasting friendship
[This is typed on 12.02.2013 based on an old handwritten diary]
At last! At long, long, loooooooong last! My first real date ... hah! If you can call it that! And at the ripe old age of 25 too! Okay. Seriously, I have gone on many of these one-to-one social outings before, be it with a girl or a boy. However, it is very rare that I actually miss and pine for someone
My first would have to be Swee Yeeeeen (deliberately spelt wrongly). I viewed her as more of a friend and trusted confidante and always thought our friendship can maintain its closeness for a long time to come but alas! this was not meant to be. It has been years since I last heard from her
The real lady that I longed and pined for has got to be Mei Ching. This is the right spelling because our time together was brief and I doubt if she remembers me. Hahaha! A nicer, sweeter, more patient girl I could not have found. There was something in her smile that seemed to make everything all right. Again, distance was our main obstacle. After exchanging only one letter, everything became silent. I did call her twice when I was in Singapore in 1997 but she never returned any of my calls wherein I left messages for her. Should I still pursue her? Honestly, I don't know and most probably not ... but that is another story for another time.
This is about the "date"
So what am I babblin about? The Kelt. Yes. It is a he. He is a he. In every sense of the word. So, am I gay? Honestly? I don't think so. Or should that be I don't know? Okay. I'll admit that I was confused about my feelings when I was much younger (like 12 or 13?). Then I came to realize that hero worship and admiration of certain qualities/ characteristics/ physical attributes of other men do not a gay person make. It's like women. They are always going on and on about what other women look like. Even the cover of women's mag are other beautiful women. So while I adore youthful faces and physiques and I have this thing for watching bash-them-up movies, I know now that I am not into that sort of gay culture or sadism. How you ask? 'cos the thought of gay sex though initially intriguing ultimately GROSSES me out! I am not kidding. I tried to visualize beyond the uniforms and underwear and it was a major UGH moment. And as for sadism, it's just plain HORRID!
So I have finally drawn the line between fantasy and reality
At age 25, I have finally decided on the road I wanna take.
The straight and narrow. Thank you very much.
The other day I was talking to YTL about going to Hatyai & the first thing that sprang to his lips was "call girls" and "pot". Me? Excuse me? Doing that? SO-O-O-RRY!!! Not for me. Oh no, sir! Now, I don't necessarily frown on the ladies or their customers. It's just that it's not me, okay? It was cool with him, thank goodness, that I was surprisingly conservative when it comes to sex before marriage
Okay. That was another sidetrack. Yes, I am aware
Let's get back to the Kelt. A while back, I handed him Shang's latest promo leaflet. Asked him to choose what he liked & he mentioned Wednesday's theme. He was taken aback when I told him we'll do that for his birthday. I guess he never expected anything or probably never knew I knew about his birthday. To cut a long story short, on that day, I sent him a braodcast for a break at 5:30pm (04.03.1998). After my usual dilly-dallying, I found him waiting for me at the lobby. He was nervous and maybe a little uncomfortable about the whole event. That much was obvious. Wonder if it weighed heavily on his mind. That's something I won't (likely) know. Still, when I confirmed the date with him yesterday, he asked how many others were going. I gave him the straight and skinny. No one else. Of course I explained I did sent an email but without mentioning his birthday and the rest of the Pg gang stated that they preferred more exotic fare. Still, Kelt was game enough to go with me. One of two things came to mind:
1. He prefers crwods cos he has doubts about me & mine; or
2. He prefers less people so he won't be so uncomfy
Was he really nervous? Yeah! He said he was on bike though he actually drove to work that day. (Heh!) He did ask for my handphone number in case we got separated by the traffic. Me & my blockheadedness! I couldn't remember. DUNCE!!! Sure as expected, we lost each other along Pg Sports Club! I went on to Western Road while he turned down Ayer Rajah. Thank goodness he gave me his h/p number
BTW he does have a house tel no. He originally told everyone NO, reason being the location of his house. A couple of days back, he was struggling whether to tell me or not. I tactfully decided to let the matter slip. Trust will come with time and only if it was meant to be, right? Wow! Do I sound mature?!?! Hehehe!
Anyway we both piled into my car and headed for apartment 3-11. He thought the place was cool but not high enough as it is only 4 stories car park and 3rd story apartment on top of the car park. We showered and changed and he wanted to borrow a comb. From me! I told him I normally use hands. Boy was he surprised ... but he followed suit
As it was still early, we lounged about talking about his holidays and mine. We thumbed through some of the UK magazines and my photo frames. Then after some idle chit-chat, wedecided to make way for Disc n Dat, a CD shop near Tanjung area. He said that BM's much cheaper (obviously!)
Pretending macam I takdengar, I asked him to choose any one to his liking. He was hesitant ... even when I told him it was a birthday present. After some cajoling, he finally chose "And the band played on" from Titanic's 2nd soundtrack. Now if that wasn't a reveal in his taste and sensitivity, what is, right? Imagine, choosing that in front of another guy, a weepy soundtrack. Is that gay or what? He wanted to pay himself! Of course I was insistent that it's me belanjaing him. Guess this proves he's either shy or nervous or both. Perhaps, eh?
We finally made it 2 Shang. Food was so-so 2 me. The conversation's better and once again, the theory of one's company is what really makes an outing so much more enjoyable is proven true. Kelt had 2 rounds of the main b4 tackling a bit of dessert. Guess he didn't care much for the more exotic stuff. Kelt specifically stressed NO to sushi! He's a real traditional when it comes to food. Guess that's why he prefers kopitiam to places like Mc and KFC
We talked heaps. He stutters quite a bit but that didn't stop him from expressing himself which was good. Otherwise, we'll end up with me dominating everything ... me and my inflated ego! We talked about so many things. He comes from a family of seven - 5 boys and parents and he is number 4. He still shares a room with an elder brother. He lives in a village in Batu Kawan all his life (supposedly a squatters' area?!?!?!). We also went back to our younger days, schooling (he used to take a boat trip to school each day), childhood joys & dreams. Gotta admit he was a bit uncomfy at first but with a born conversatioonalist like me, we skipped merrily from topic 2 topic like frogs leapfrogging from lilypad 2 lilypad. Most people these days aren't used 2 direct, open talk. I noticed that a lot. My questions are very personal (KPC?). Some may not like it but Kelt took it all in his stride.
I was quite impressed & surprised by him though. He wasn't what I expected at all. He has such an innocence within him despite an outward appearance of youthful know-ot-all. Must not corrupt him. The two things that really caught me by surprise were:-
(a). The goodness in his heart - he's straightforward though that smile of his can be misinterpreted. He's also humble, easy going and helpful. Hardly ever losses his temper. Now that is something I aspire to. He's one up on me on that score, eh?
(b). His dreams - he believed with all his heart that one shouldn't ever need 2b at the summit of the food chain 2b contented. For now, he would be satisfied with reaching a level in his career that affords him the basics: house, car, meals, weekend good times and the occassional holidays. Of course, me being me, I cucuk him a wee bit. So he admitted that if riches were offered his way, he'd ini all honesty consider it but he won't go out of his way to chase after them though. Now you know why I am impressed with him! It's admirable in someone so young to have such ideals, such wisdom!
At the end of the evening, I gotta say I had a most enjoyable, quiet-comfy-kinda dinner outing. It wasn't as bad as I had feared. 2 of us, from different worlds, sitting down, eating & talking together. This is the kind of evening I liked best. I sincerely hoped he had a good time too. Or at the very least wasn't bored out of his brains! Still, as the evening progressed, he opened up more & more. It'd be strange then if he were terribly bored. Anyway, we lasted a full 5 hours together. Not too bad, huh? We finally had to break it up cos tomorrow's still a working day
Speaking of work, Kelt did mention that the restructuring had created a much more "livelier" interaction amongst the staff. He was being a wee bit cautious. Heh! I'm a regular firebrand. So of course I had 2 throw in my 2 cents' worth. I quickly mentioned that one good thing did come out of the whole exercise. We now have an opportunity 2b friends. You'd see his face then! He was like, I don't know, surprised? Shy? There was that sheepish kinda smile plastered all over his face once more. Still, he agreed that we could socialize a bit more now than back then. It won't look like favoritism on my part or bodek-king on his end since we are not in the same section any more. Yes! YES!! Y-E-S!!!
Is that gay on me or what? Hehehe!
Finally, we drove back 2 where he parked his car. Just as he was collecting his bag from the back seat, he managed to squeak out an uncomfy "Thanks!" Well, alllllright! That was so cute of him! Trying 2b more than his traditional self. He's observant, I'll grant him that much. He tries to adapt to each situation.
Okay. Now onto the self-analysis part. Do I feel even a tinge of guilt for having such a pleasurable evening with Kelt? I was going to but not anymore. Nope! No way!! I invited him 2 celebrate his 22nd birthday. Friend 2 friend. Or at least with the intention of being more friends than colleagues. Deep down, that's all I wanted. Nothing more. Friendship. Lasting friendship
Sunday, March 1, 1998
First "Gay" Date???
"The thief of time appears in many different guises. A different guise for each generation. For it is often in the name of progress that the seeds of destruction are sown waiting and lying in hibernation for its shining moment"
[I have no idea what the above means except that it is me trying to sound intellectual? Hahaha! Of course I know what it means ... this is a reproduction done on 12.02.2013 from old handwritten diary]
Errrr-uhmmmmm!
Tomorrow's the BIG DAY!!! For Celt and me, that is. Celt as in Kelvin Kunyah Dagu Angin, my former colleague in FA/ GL section now stationed under Logistics' wing. Why is it so special? Because this is the first time that the two of us are going on a social outing together without the rest of the gang. And special because it'll show whether we can be friends instead of just colleagues. In a way, it's kinda depressing, huh? In our life, we will meet so many new faces. Yet with the passage of time, most will fade to distant memories. I know I myself am guilty of this ... joining this club. I did try to be different. But it was a fruitless struggle. Where are my friends from school/ college/ uni now? Nothing more than memories. I guess I am thankful for at least having so many happy memories from those days long gone by. But it is not enough!! I was the one who said I'll be different. I'll keep in touch. Oh, heck! I'm a total disappointment even to my ownself!
Well, this is now 1998. So hopefully, I'll do better
Rebels forever?!?! Hehehe!
[I have no idea what the above means except that it is me trying to sound intellectual? Hahaha! Of course I know what it means ... this is a reproduction done on 12.02.2013 from old handwritten diary]
Errrr-uhmmmmm!
Tomorrow's the BIG DAY!!! For Celt and me, that is. Celt as in Kelvin Kunyah Dagu Angin, my former colleague in FA/ GL section now stationed under Logistics' wing. Why is it so special? Because this is the first time that the two of us are going on a social outing together without the rest of the gang. And special because it'll show whether we can be friends instead of just colleagues. In a way, it's kinda depressing, huh? In our life, we will meet so many new faces. Yet with the passage of time, most will fade to distant memories. I know I myself am guilty of this ... joining this club. I did try to be different. But it was a fruitless struggle. Where are my friends from school/ college/ uni now? Nothing more than memories. I guess I am thankful for at least having so many happy memories from those days long gone by. But it is not enough!! I was the one who said I'll be different. I'll keep in touch. Oh, heck! I'm a total disappointment even to my ownself!
Well, this is now 1998. So hopefully, I'll do better
Rebels forever?!?! Hehehe!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)